Caring For Elderly Parents: The Complete Guide

As our elderly parents begin to enter the threshold of that pilgrimage, coping with the emotional, practical and financial ways of loving them and caring for them well can bring with it a myriad of challenges, which will need to be met with grace, wisdom and great compassion as they too are experiencing this particular journey upon which they have never ventured. It is sacred and unchartered territory for each of you, which is why it is imperative to enter humbly into this season knowing who to trust in the midst of the storm.

Time is a mystery. The future is unknown to us. As followers of Christ, ours is to intentionally and thankfully steward each day that has been so graciously given to us by our Creator. What is to come is in the hands of the one who formed us; therefore, the journey of life and all that it encompasses is an exploration into the unknown. For years, I have said that growing old is a privilege denied to many.

Emotionally Caring For Elderly Parents

Life is not equitable. While some are afforded the opportunity to ‘grow old gracefully’ others are stricken with cruel diseases such as cancer, Alzheimer’s, COPD, Lou Gehrig’s disease (ALS), Diabetes, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and a myriad of horrible life-ending illnesses. What can be difficult to reconcile with our faith is when our loved one might have led a life following their Savior and yet, they are stricken and suffering with illnesses. This can seem unfair. This can feel unjust. However, when faced with this potential crisis of faith, it is important to remind oneself of our Savior’s suffering.

” But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.”

– Isaiah 53:5

The knowledge and understanding that Christ himself is fully and personally acquainted with pain, suffering and grief can offer us incredible comfort in the midst of the challenges accompanied through caring for our elderly parents. Let’s not forget He wept.

The reality is that life in this world is not ‘fair’. Personally, I believe our desire as humans to have life be just is our deeper desire for Heaven. In Heaven, all will be made right. All the injustices of this life in a broken world will be reconciled. All things will be new. Our fascination with the superhero sums up our deep desire for good to win in all circumstances.

We want the bad guy to lose and the good guy to win. We beg the Lord to rescue us from our suffering when, in reality, he might be allowing our pain because he wants us to press deeper into him to discover the true source of our strength instead of relying on ourselves for temporary stability.

We want the suffering to end. We want our suffering to end. We want our aging parent’s suffering to end, yet we do not want our parents to leave this world because we deeply love them.

Managing Grief

Truthfully, what we are walking through is grief. We are grieving what our sweet mama used to be like before she forgot who we were because of the horrible and debilitating disease called Alzheimer’s removed from her conscious the memory of you, her child. Before it took from her the joy of the thought of her grandchildren. Grief is witnessing first-hand how the horrendous disease called cancer struck down your strong daddy, your hero, who was once ‘larger than life’ turning this pillar of strength into a frail, fragile and weakened man who hardly has the strength to walk across the room.

Grief is the privilege of knowing we have and have been deeply loved. Grief is the best way I can fathom to describe the deeply emotional aspect of watching the pillars of your life – those who instilled into you great courage and wisdom, begin to fade in this world.

Comfort Through Scripture

The emotional impact of caring for elderly parent can, often-times, feel insurmountable like a tsunami. But there are great sources of strength to be found in the middle of the storm.

First and foremost is through reading the Word. Encouragement abounds throughout scripture as you read stories of others who suffered. Glean from their experience and their wisdom. Encouragement can be found with other family members – siblings who are walking a similar path of loss. Talk often with them about your elderly parents, and, to the best of your ability, ensure each of you are on the same page because that will matter greatly when it comes to decisions of care. Some of the biggest hurdles in caring for your aging parents is ensuring siblings are likeminded. An idea, which seems simple in theory, yet can be difficult in application. Just try…

The biggest piece of advice I could offer, as a child of an aging parent, would be to allow yourself the grace to grieve. Your mom or dad do not have to be gone from this world to grieve what once was and is no longer. Allow yourself to experience and express your sorrow. The second biggest piece of advice I would offer is to tell them today how much you love them and why. Far too often, individuals wait until the their loved one has passed to fully express their love during the funeral. Don’t wait – say it today so they can hear it directly from you.

Comparatively, I have heard that terminal illness can be an ‘unwelcomed guest’. To clarify, when someone is diagnosed, it is a recognition of the disease. In most cases, it is not instant such as a heart attack or aneurism, which means, while things seem bleak, you have been given the gift of time. Utilize that time – that opportunity to reconcile, reminisce, and receive the blessing because the last thing you will want is to live with regret.

I have a sign on my wall, which reads, ‘There is always, always, always, something to be thankful for.’ In the middle of the sadness, create a beautiful and memorable moment with your parents.

Day-To-Day Care & Support From Siblings

In my humble opinion, practicality parallels proximity. Meaning, if you are blessed to live geographically close to your parents, caring for them will become part of your daily or weekly routine. Whereas if you live farther away, your visits will be less frequent but more grandiose. If you are in close proximity and daily care is possible for you to take on, you should first discuss this with your spouse, as well as any siblings.

With that said, please allow me to tell you a tale of three sisters.

One sister resides approximately five miles away from her parents. Another, lives in a neighboring state and the third on the opposite coast about 2000 miles away. For the sister who lives close to her aging parents, her individual practical care list is extensive and weekly if not daily. Her to-dolist encompasses things such as grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, doctor’s appointments, hair appointments, inviting them over for a barbeque or out for a meal. The sister who resides in a neighboring state has a different role during her monthly visits. While there, she typically tackles some of the more pressing matters such as taking care of home projects, cleaning out pantries and throwing away expired food. Then the sister who lives 2000 miles away who visits approximately once per quarter for a week; tends to larger home projects, making meals to freeze, and organizing closets or garages.

Each sister has a role to play all of which are quite practical, but different. The first sister might not be able to tackle some of the larger projects because her roll is daily care, which can be exhausting emotionally. While the other two sisters can accomplish larger projects because they visit less frequently, which parallels the ideas of less frequent visits with more grandiose practical tasks.

In a like manner, each member of the family has a vital role to play encompassing their own set of giftings that the Father has given them. If you are the cheerleader – encourage. If you are the party planner, schedule monthly meals together or birthday celebrations. If you are a servant – grocery shop, take out the trash, install new batteries in their fire alarms, and replace lightbulbs. If you are skilled with your hands – install handrails in the bathroom, tackle needed home repairs, pressure wash their deck or porch.

Here are some practical ideas that you and your siblings could do for your elderly parents:

1. Grocery shop
2. Pick up prescriptions
3. Take their trash can to and from the curb weekly
4. Pick up their mail 
   List of practical ways to help emotionally
5. Invite them out for a meal
6. Bring a meal to their house and eat it together
7. Have coffee or tea together
8. Write a handwritten letter
9. Bake something for them and either mail it or hand deliver
10. Send a care package
11. Call them and tell them you love them
    List of practical ways to communicate
12. Sign them up on Facebook so they can see your pictures
13. Facetime
14. Set up a text feed with just them and check in often
15. Set up a text feed with your siblings, including them
16. Set up a text feed with ONLY siblings so each of you can communicate easily

Most importantly – be a team. Work together because you will need each other to accomplish the main goal, which is to love, cherish and care for your aging parents.