The Unhappy Marriage: Saving Your Broken Relationship

Take great care of you

This may sound selfish, but it’s important to understand that you can’t fix a broken relationship if you’re feeling empty and exhausted. You’ll have nothing to give.

Remember what we’re told in Mark 12:28-34: We need to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength and to love others as ourselves. That means taking care of ourselves physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. All four of these areas need to be in balance. When you’re abundantly full of God’s love, this takes the pressure off your marriage and empowers you to love your spouse regardless of how he or she is behaving.

Build a strong support system

Each spouse needs friends of the same sex who will walk with him or her during difficult times. Your married couple friends can provide accountability and help protect your marriage from an affair (either emotional or physical) or from fantasies about a life without your spouse. Be honest with these friends, along with mentors and counselors. Talk to these friends and other supporters about having feelings for or being drawn to another person. When you bring this into the light, the secrecy and power are removed.

Talk to your spouse directly

You might be rolling your eyes about now. “I’ve talked to my husband a million times and nothing has changed!” you say. Hopefully, the difference now is that this conversation starts with you plugged into the right source — looking to Christ, not to your husband or wife, for your ultimate fulfillment. Instead of a desperate attempt to get your spouse to change so that you can feel better, you can approach this conversation from a place of abundance.

Of course, that Christ-centered abundance doesn’t mean that you suddenly move from an unhappy marriage to perfect bliss. Hopefully, a healthier you will create a stronger foundation for building a different type of marriage relationship. This new conversation needs to address what is and isn’t working for both of you.

Find connection points

This can be the fun stuff — the sorts of things you enjoyed together before the troubles began. Or it can be completely new interests and passions that renew your relationship. There’s just one requirement: The activities need to be things you do together to foster unity and attachment. Here are a few quick ideas:

• Have a weekly date night so you can have some fun together. (But make a rule you won’t discuss the kids, hot-button topics or your family’s business affairs.)
• Invest time in a common hobby or shared interest.
• Find a bunch of “conversation starters for couples” online and take turns answering the questions at dinner, while on a walk or driving in the car — anytime when you can find 10 minutes to talk at a deeper level.
• Go to bed at the same time. This gives you an opportunity to cuddle and engage in some pillow talk, have sex, or pray before drifting off to sleep.
• Do some of your chores together. Make the bed together. Cook meals together. Do the dishes together. Fold laundry together. Grocery shop together.
• Prioritize sex. Oxytocin, the hormone that is released after orgasm, increases your feelings of trust and connection.
• Fight self-reliance. You’re in a partnership. Tell your spouse what you need from him or her, and ask what you can do for him or her.
• Develop a shared dream that you can pursue together.

What if my spouse doesn’t want to deal with the issues in our unhappy marriage?

If this happens, you will most likely feel frustrated and emotionally abandoned. This pain is deep, and something to prayerfully bring to the Lord, seeking His wisdom. I recommend that you deal with the loss with the help of a licensed Christian counselor. And I can tell you from what I’ve seen during years as a counselor and seeing the results of Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored marriage intensive program: Many people in unhappy marriages are often able to turn it around and over time, build a relationship that both are thrilled with. And this isn’t just my take.

Helpful research studies

One research study found that couples who stuck it out during the difficult years in their marriage ended up happier. Results reveal that 68 percent of couples who were initially unhappy after the birth of their first child reported being anywhere from “happy” to “extremely happy” 10 years later. Another study chaired by sociologist Linda Waite about couples on the brink found that married adults who reported being in an unhappy marriage and yet endured were much happier five years later.

What did these couples in the Waite study do to turn things around? According to the study, the researchers identified three important components: marital endurance (circumstances that naturally change); marital work (where spouses actively tried to fix their problems); and personal change (where spouses tried to improve their own happiness, regardless of what state their marriage was in).

We take our spouses to have and to hold in good times and bad, and boy, sometimes those bad times can be terrible. But we do have hope — through time, through effort, through better communication, and especially through Christ. And through Him, you and your spouse can grow from a broken relationship to find the good times again.

Are you in an unhappy marriage? Get help here.

A variety of marital issues can lead to challenges or even hopelessness for one or both spouses in a marriage. Gaining a sense of hope and direction often requires understanding the underlying issues and relationship patterns which may have led to the crisis. Reach out to well-trained helpers even if you are the only person in the marriage willing to take action at this time. We can guide you as you seek a referral and take your first steps toward recovery. You can contact us Monday through Friday from 6 a.m. to 8 p.m. (Mountain time) at: 855-771-HELP (4357) or help@FocusOnTheFamily.com
www.FocusontheFamily.com/Counseling